When It’s Over, It’s Over

Tired of feeling like I am not your worth or time. Tired of feeling inadequate by your side. Tired of feeling like I need to keep my vulnerabilities to myself.

And completely tired and done with the fact you put your hands on me and pushed me hard and I fell back to the point I hit my head on the dresser.

I’ll never forget the look on your face. How your drunk ness escaped your body with the evil you created.

What makes me heal is the fact that you will always remember what you did and you will live with the lie you told the cops.

I hope you rot in hell and deal with what you did on a daily basis. You’re the loser. The pathetic one. You’re the one who isn’t qualified. It’ll always be in your head and I hope any future relationships suffer from your actions.

Dead Inside

I feel numb almost like I don’t care what happens anymore. I have changed my attitude and behavior towards this relationship and you don’t seem to care.

One day I will be gone and I know you will regret it, I am the best thing that has happened to you. You happily told me you will give me attention when you feel I deserve it. I will always remember those words. Your words are so venomous and hurtful. I’m not a dog. I am a human being who needs your touch and your love, especially your embrace and empathy.

I don’t know what you deal with in your head because you don’t talk to me. We don’t talk. I feel bored and heartbroken. I don’t ask for much. I’m a pretty simple person who loves to reach out when I can see in your face something is wrong.

I have to purposely be alone in order to keep the peace yet I already feel alone when I’m with you.

Why do I have to keep waiting for you? What am I waiting on? The moment you wake up I will be gone. Forever. I know what will happen too, you will beg me to stay or you will be ok with me leaving but on the inside you will be heartbroken. You make me feel dead inside.

He’s Controlling

I don’t feel accepted, loved, or validated let alone loved unconditionally. How am I being valued as a true equal? He’s a controlling person and wants what he wants at my expense. He makes my wants and needs conditional. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough. We need to be good to each other without keeping a scorecard. It’s so exhausting to be near perfect seems like, he wants to have the upper hand especially during fights.

He reminds me of things I’ve done or said during fights about past fights to make me feel guilty and keep me constantly apologizing. Says I deserve to be treated like how he’s been treating me. He wants me to give up my power. He’s almost like a police-like presence. Wanting me to be added to his phone account obviously to monitor who I talk to.

Our communication shld lead to a workable compromise. He doesn’t like compromises. Our power dynamic is off…I have to earn his trust. I understand that to a certain extent, earning his trust. But not be reminded of the things I’ve done our how Ive reacted to fights.

He keeps evidence/wrongdoings to use later for his “case” and to justify him punishing me or to keep me from committing the error again, to keep me acting in ways HE wants me to. I feel belittled.

He makes me feel like I don’t measure up almost like I shld be grateful to b with him. He wants me to work harder and harder to keep him happy. A dream from someone who wants to dominate the relationship.

His teasing, ridicules and criticisms do not feel loving and comfortable. He often tells me he is joking and I can’t take his jokes. He makes me feel like my reactions are wrong. Basically telling me I don’t have a right to my emotions or feelings and that I’m insecure. A classic move by controlling people.

He has the inability or unwillingness to listen to my point of view. I’m constantly interrupted or whatever I wanna discuss is quickly forgotten or dismissed. I can’t remember the last time we’ve had a meaningful conversation. I’m blamed for having an invalid opinion.

My ideas are silly I’m sure to him. I can’t tell him my goals for fear of criticism. He plants seeds of insecurity and doubt in my head.

I’m sure I’m not the first person he’s treated this way. He’s in his 40’s. No way it started w me.

Losing Your Temper

I feel hurt.

I feel sad.

I feel like I don’t belong here.

I feel unimportant.

I love talking in bed with my significant other, but he has rules.

I can remember his words, they’re like venom.

Apologizing after stings more than the hurt.

I don’t like being numb or pretending like everything is fine.

I wanna be loved, held, appreciated, valued, respected and I wanna be talked to.

I kept my cool and was still trying to be kind.

Maybe someday things will change.

Will it be too late then?

I Want From You

I’m feeling lonely yet I have a boyfriend.

I feel uncertain of our possible future together.

I want his attention but he says he isn’t going to entertain me.

I don’t expect him to do cartwheels or put on a show for me.

I just want love.

I want attention, from him. That’s all. Nothing else.

I’m pretty simple to please.

Is he wrong for me?

Why is he so defensive when I try and talk to him?

Bad Vibes

Yesterday I got a bad vibe and have been getting bad vibes from my significant other since last Friday. He typically calls me during lunch and when he is coming home, but recently that has changed. I am not sure how to handle this or how to address this with him without coming across as insecure or interrogating him. I am a pretty perceptive person and usually I am right. I am feeling very insecure almost like the bottom is gonna fall out.

I feel like I communicate rather well, but when it comes to this, it terrifies me because I am afraid of his reaction or if he can actually handle my thoughts and insecurities. I am afraid to leave my place and move in with him and have to start all over again.

I Believe I’ve Had Enough.

I’ve realized quite a bit of things about myself here in the last several days. Those several days were the most enlightnening in my life and also the most eye opening. Sometimes there comes a time when you stop, think and ask yourself “wait what are you doing?”. I decided to look within myself. I had fallen into a pattern that I immediately wanted out of. I wanted to be better and a better person period. I’m the fearful avoidant type, yea the one who craves a relationship but imaginary or perceived threats play back in your mind and tells you how to act based on how you feel, which in turn causes you to have turbulent relationships. Why does this happen? It’s not based on former relationships, it starts in infancy. Attachment refers to the particular way in which you relate to people. So how you were loved and cared for as a child, how much love you received, the thought of whether or not you could count on these people, determine your attachment style as an adult. An attachment style is formed by the child during the ages of 2-5, depending on which article you read.

As I’m reading I’m thinking wow, I have a lot of work to do. When you realize what attachment style you have, work on yourself. You owe it to yourself and your significant other to be healthy and happy and not live with the fear of impending doom, worries, or the dreaded lens of paranoia. I’ve always given the advice of “your in control of your emotions, no one else is”. I failed this myself, I wasn’t in full control of my emotions, I was allowing these imaginary threats or fears take over how I should react and/or behave. I have a long road ahead of me, but knowing what I need to work on feels therapeutic.

This is my story, my choice and I won’t give fear or the past the power to dictate or define my future. Just remember, the impossible is not impossible, make it work, make THIS one work. Do whatever it takes. I’ve decided to trust he will do right by me because I believe I’ve had enough.